Still in the age of the Pre-Apocalypse

Its been four months since 2012 ended.

I'm not going to lie. I'm a little upset about the apocalypse. 

I have been preparing for the apocalypse for a while now. I have been taking stock of all my friends skills and thus will be able to survive without having any skills of my own. I am a networker and a scavenger. I was facebook before facebook existed. You need to know someone who plays tuba? I know a guy. You need a hot tub? I know a person. You need a semi automatic weapon that can take down zombies of the ferocious kind? give me a day or two.

I have read countless juvenile fiction books on the apocalypse -many of them terrible--to be better prepared. I have watched all the shows. Even ones you havent heard of. I have studied the wikipedia apocalypse page to determine my survival strategies in each of the 12 commonly identified apocalypse scenarios.

I have figured out weather Costco, Walmart, or REI is the best place to wait out a zombie invasion.

I even learned to spell apocalypse correctly.

ALL FOR NAUGHT.

There are no zombies, there are no asteroids, and we still have electricity. Our lives are still awesome.

This sucks.

I'm not going to lie. Its a little disappointing. and I know how absolutely ridiculous it is.

Sudden Clarity Idiot

ITS CALLED A MOTHER YOU MORON.

Throes of Even More Clothes

I felt successful until someone said it didn't count unless you put it away...

-lets just take a moment to appreciate that I will be wearing clean clothes, but haters gotta hate.

...so I shoved the clothes in some drawers.

Even more of a productive day. 

Throes of Clothes

In typical fashion, or rather non fashion, I have no clothes ie they are all dirty. My drawers are empty. My hamper is full, my floor is fuller. Its down to the point where you wear bikini bottoms for underwear and start wondering if the fat clothes that weren't donated maybe can be salvaged....

Hark! The closet that holds the jackets! Not just jackets. I am wearing a button down plaid shirt with pearlized buttons. I look like a cowboy. A very nice clean cowboy. all is right in the world. My dignity lives another day.

***After wearing this shirt for...several days, one of my friends commented it had small holes in the back. Just failurized that success. Should have gone with the fat clothes.

AcciDENTAL.

As anyone who reads my blog knows, dental health is very important to me.

Except I did.

I accidentally threw up in my best friend's sink.

It was utterly horrific for the both of us...at least it wasn't my sink.

The things I do for hygiene--that probably didn't help

Back to the Basics!

I have failed my loyal blog reader(s). 

This new year brings the resolution that I will return this blog to its formal glory of dental reports, zombie survival plans, dyslexic challenges, and the dramatics that make up the life of a single sarcastic 25 year old who is perhaps just and only absurd. 

New (same as every) Year Resolutions: 

• Keep a budget
• Loose weight
• Drink less (fancy) coffee

New Resolution for this year:

• WRITE ALL THE THINGS!

Shut Up Already

And people wonder why the English speaking world and I are/am having problems with grammar?

THERE ARE TWO MANY OPTIONS.

or is it TOO?

Wholesale Darkness

Daylight Savings? More like darkness on wholesale.

It is 5pm, not bedtime!  What is this magical trickery? 

The worst part? Winter is actually coming. 

Round is a Shape

After a whole summer of doing nothing, except exercising my pancreas. I am shafted.

I showed up at the gym, looked at myself in the full length mirror and suddenly discovered where my extra weight gain went. Everywhere.

It went everywhere.

GAAAAAAH.

Car Trouble

Or you are a sucker and left money on the table. sucker.

Watching my mom negotiate and then nearly rip the general manager's face off when he tried giving her a sob story about having to charge certain prices for the good of the community, was...terrifying.

she said, "I dont have a problem with you making money, you're just not making money off of me."

I got out of there as fast as I could. They didn't have to throw me out. I was practically sprinting.

More Life, More Trying Times

So I found out yesterday that as a child I was diagnosed with dyslexia....

Life makes so much more scents now!

I think its poetic justice for the Life and Trying Times post.

dyslexia is still funny.

No Deal

Not trying to be pretentious, but I wanted a blue onyx versa and yes the color is really is that important. I am paying for what I want, not what is convenient. Unless you're giving it to me for the reasonable price of free.

So dealer-man if you want to make a sale get out your spray paint and fix the problem!

Life and Trying Times

In Alaska there are many many ways to entertain yourself on the FML (Fish Money Line). Decide how to spend every second of your 900 second break, listening to the love lives of teenagers, or yelling at someone less competent than yourself. My favorite entertainment was telling stories about my dyslexic brother. and all the dyslexic jokes he doesn't get. Because the only thing better than a dyslexic joke, is a dyslexic joke a dyslexic kid doesnt get.

• A man walks into a bra.
• DNA stands for National Dyslexic Association
• Did you hear about the dyslexic satan worshipper? He sold his soul to santa. 

Dyslexia is not funny, its hilarious. 

Or at least it is in the middle of a 16 hour shift at 4am working off of 5 hours of sleep.

Summer Fail.

Enough said.

YOLO?  i chose to spent my summer in alaska and/or unemployed and living at my parents house.

AND i gained weight!

Why am i allowed to plan my own life?

gaaaah!

Fear Change?

HEY! Whoa there. What does this even mean?!

...I pick up pennies and change all the time.

I don't know what is worse, the fact that I don't know what stereotype they are talking about or that I am fullfilling some unknown stereotype. I'm just a person who likes picking up pennies!

Socially awkward penquin? Destitute penguin.

Childcare Catastrophe

I was babysitting, making pasta for lunch, when I heard the screams of the four year old and then the sound of liquid hitting the floor...

two year old sister + kegger fridge = free flowing tap of biblical proportions.

RAIN DOWN liquid fermented grains! Down upon this dry and thirsty linoleum!
Make the babysitter clean it up!! since forcing children to clean up alcohol seems wrong somehow...

towels, towels soaking up beer everywhere.

Internet Wins

For three whole weeks

I miss the Olympics. This was so satisfying. I could google "medal count" and the answer with visual graphics would be there. I could even google "metal count" and still get answers. Along with any sport, a description of it and the results along with Olympic record and world record.

I felt so succesful. My googly skills were up to par.

aaaaand it was an illusion.

Russian to Appologize

Российские друзья,

Я вас обманули, я обещал, что если вы читали мой блог, я бы прийти вверх с должности только для вас. Я не вам в течение трех месяцев. Даже несмотря на то, что единственное, что я знал о России огорчены: Анна Каренина, Наполеона, уничтожив зимы, рулетка, Сибирь и пока я не послал маяком надежды в литерал темно и замороженные мир.

Я был на Аляске, (это было частью проблемы), и хотя я возможно не смог увидеть вашу страну от моей скромной обители, я думал о вас каждый раз в некоторое время. Я надеюсь, вам будет делать то же самое и думать о мне и возможно даже читать мой блог.

Я постараюсь сделать лучше, и быть менее погружена в себя, в отличие от этих русской матрешки.

Sleep Sober

This is not a problem.

The one thing working in an alaskan cannery will teach you is the art of sleeping all day and all night, and then all day again.

Babysitting

Today, I was traumatized by the dramatics of a year old infant child. My day would have been so much better had one of us taken a stand:

But instead that little piggy screamed wii wii weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!^5million until his mother came home.

Not sure, who could have used a drink more, my fried psyche or that lil monster. Either way, one of us would have been happier.