Back to the Basics!

I have failed my loyal blog reader(s). 

This new year brings the resolution that I will return this blog to its formal glory of dental reports, zombie survival plans, dyslexic challenges, and the dramatics that make up the life of a single sarcastic 25 year old who is perhaps just and only absurd. 

New (same as every) Year Resolutions: 

• Keep a budget
• Loose weight
• Drink less (fancy) coffee

New Resolution for this year:

• WRITE ALL THE THINGS!

Shut Up Already

And people wonder why the English speaking world and I are/am having problems with grammar?

THERE ARE TWO MANY OPTIONS.

or is it TOO?

Wholesale Darkness

Daylight Savings? More like darkness on wholesale.

It is 5pm, not bedtime!  What is this magical trickery? 

The worst part? Winter is actually coming. 

Round is a Shape

After a whole summer of doing nothing, except exercising my pancreas. I am shafted.

I showed up at the gym, looked at myself in the full length mirror and suddenly discovered where my extra weight gain went. Everywhere.

It went everywhere.

GAAAAAAH.

Car Trouble

Or you are a sucker and left money on the table. sucker.

Watching my mom negotiate and then nearly rip the general manager's face off when he tried giving her a sob story about having to charge certain prices for the good of the community, was...terrifying.

she said, "I dont have a problem with you making money, you're just not making money off of me."

I got out of there as fast as I could. They didn't have to throw me out. I was practically sprinting.

More Life, More Trying Times

So I found out yesterday that as a child I was diagnosed with dyslexia....

Life makes so much more scents now!

I think its poetic justice for the Life and Trying Times post.

dyslexia is still funny.

No Deal

Not trying to be pretentious, but I wanted a blue onyx versa and yes the color is really is that important. I am paying for what I want, not what is convenient. Unless you're giving it to me for the reasonable price of free.

So dealer-man if you want to make a sale get out your spray paint and fix the problem!

Life and Trying Times

In Alaska there are many many ways to entertain yourself on the FML (Fish Money Line). Decide how to spend every second of your 900 second break, listening to the love lives of teenagers, or yelling at someone less competent than yourself. My favorite entertainment was telling stories about my dyslexic brother. and all the dyslexic jokes he doesn't get. Because the only thing better than a dyslexic joke, is a dyslexic joke a dyslexic kid doesnt get.

• A man walks into a bra.
• DNA stands for National Dyslexic Association
• Did you hear about the dyslexic satan worshipper? He sold his soul to santa. 

Dyslexia is not funny, its hilarious. 

Or at least it is in the middle of a 16 hour shift at 4am working off of 5 hours of sleep.

Summer Fail.

Enough said.

YOLO?  i chose to spent my summer in alaska and/or unemployed and living at my parents house.

AND i gained weight!

Why am i allowed to plan my own life?

gaaaah!

Fear Change?

HEY! Whoa there. What does this even mean?!

...I pick up pennies and change all the time.

I don't know what is worse, the fact that I don't know what stereotype they are talking about or that I am fullfilling some unknown stereotype. I'm just a person who likes picking up pennies!

Socially awkward penquin? Destitute penguin.

Childcare Catastrophe

I was babysitting, making pasta for lunch, when I heard the screams of the four year old and then the sound of liquid hitting the floor...

two year old sister + kegger fridge = free flowing tap of biblical proportions.

RAIN DOWN liquid fermented grains! Down upon this dry and thirsty linoleum!
Make the babysitter clean it up!! since forcing children to clean up alcohol seems wrong somehow...

towels, towels soaking up beer everywhere.

Internet Wins

For three whole weeks

I miss the Olympics. This was so satisfying. I could google "medal count" and the answer with visual graphics would be there. I could even google "metal count" and still get answers. Along with any sport, a description of it and the results along with Olympic record and world record.

I felt so succesful. My googly skills were up to par.

aaaaand it was an illusion.

Russian to Appologize

Российские друзья,

Я вас обманули, я обещал, что если вы читали мой блог, я бы прийти вверх с должности только для вас. Я не вам в течение трех месяцев. Даже несмотря на то, что единственное, что я знал о России огорчены: Анна Каренина, Наполеона, уничтожив зимы, рулетка, Сибирь и пока я не послал маяком надежды в литерал темно и замороженные мир.

Я был на Аляске, (это было частью проблемы), и хотя я возможно не смог увидеть вашу страну от моей скромной обители, я думал о вас каждый раз в некоторое время. Я надеюсь, вам будет делать то же самое и думать о мне и возможно даже читать мой блог.

Я постараюсь сделать лучше, и быть менее погружена в себя, в отличие от этих русской матрешки.

Sleep Sober

This is not a problem.

The one thing working in an alaskan cannery will teach you is the art of sleeping all day and all night, and then all day again.

Babysitting

Today, I was traumatized by the dramatics of a year old infant child. My day would have been so much better had one of us taken a stand:

But instead that little piggy screamed wii wii weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!^5million until his mother came home.

Not sure, who could have used a drink more, my fried psyche or that lil monster. Either way, one of us would have been happier. 

Bad Brain!

I was in bed, about to drift off:

I FORGOT TO GO OVER TO MY UNCLE'S. 

I even called him and I told him that I was coming over that morning.

NOOOOOOOO. its 2am. I cant exactly call and apologize! Guilt torments me. Then of course I remember all the other things I didn't get done, and how if my word was my bond...i just broke bail and forfeited like a million bucks. [but if my bail was 1 Mil, then I have worse problems] 

The worst part is realizing I am the living reality of a meme as it is happening and stuck in bed, with nothing else to do except follow through and dwell on the horrible future I've created for myself as a word breaker. 

Idiot brain! why can't you remind me of stuff on TIME!

Why Me?

And then I threw up so I pretty much knew, it was not an issue of being hungry. In fact I was so light sensitive and in such mental angony--a Pepsi Slurpee/Hawaiian Style Kettle Chip combo tastes like frankenstine mixed with dracula. Nasty Nasty--how could I do that to myself?? My poor body. I knew of only one way to solve this problem.

Watch Serenity in the bathtub while wearing sunglasses in the dark.

It worked.

Sort of.

Now I'm in renewed anguish of Firefly being canceled.

gaaaaaaah.

To Each His Own

In Alaska this was the problem:

Seriously, Trying to find a bar after getting off work at 7am was super difficult (ie not possible). Especially when there are only 3 bars in town. All I wanted was a Bloody Freakin Mary. They should not even count as alcohol, it's tomatoes and spicy stuff. Way too healthy and nutrient rich.  Had to wait until 10:30am which was a serious travesty.

Now this is the problem:

Each world has its own problems and must deal with them the best they can.

--On the upside I was able to overcome gluttony with sloth.

WHAAAAAAT?

How did I not KNOW this? Is it even actually true??? Must verify....

Wikipedia says nay: marionette + puppet.

and when it comes to which is right we obviously all know that Wikipedia is...unreliable.

Money Money Money

The age old problem.

No Fish = No Job = No Money = A Really Bad Time 

I'm basically having summer camp at my parents house.  I need a job. I so need a job. My Bank account should be so bulimic is barfing money at me, instead of its current anorexic state in which it needs the vital nutrients of dollar dollar bills. 

Send Jobs, or Money!

Freakin Weekend

Everyone looks forward to the weekend. Unless you work weekends, or you have to go visit your inlaws, clean your house, or watch your favorite team lose the superbowl. Weekends are an onion ring in your fry box. Except when you dont have them. Ever. When it is always winter, never Christmas. Always Friday, Never Saturday.

I lived in the land of NakNarnia, I went through the portal and BAM. My life was over.

well not literally, because i didnt exactly work with that guy, but there were several of them around, and one definitely liked my roommate. and she definitely freaked out about it. but let me tell you, all of them definitely knew how to gut salmon.

Unknown Day

Normally this only happens during summer, unemployment, christmas break, long vacations, or crossing the international date line. 

In the cannery, when the sun is always out, 2/3rds of each day is working, weekends are a myth on par with narwhals, and the date changes at 10pm every night for fish packaging this predicament is an everyday occurrence. it might be wensday or it might be wensday a week from the wensday you think it is. in fact it might be 2013 and no one has told you. 


Just don't miss laundry day! or then you will be confused and dirty. 

Cannery Problems

When you have 8 hours off of work per day, every minute is critical. Let me rephrase that. When you work 8 hours and have 16 hours off perday you can do WHATEVER you want. when its the other way around, certain things mandatorily disappear from your life. Calling your mother, the internet, and applying make up are givens. Next, the important things disappear from your life. Flossing and eating breakfast.

Then it gets apocalypse/Barn Full Of Zombies Bad. As five hours of sleep becomes the norm, one tends to start forgetting things. like how often they wash their hair or it's even necessary. Hats become standard not only because Alaska is cold but because the state of the hair is that bad. 


 One day in a moment of truth, (day 5 I think) I asked one of the 17 year old friends how my hair looked, "it looks like you havent washed or brushed it in a very very long time." when a 17 year old boy basically states with confidence, "you are a disgusting slob, I can totally tell." its time to act fast and spend four vital minutes shampooing. Or never take off your hat ever again.

Where the Wild Things Are

I'm not sure what kind of problem this is...first world, third world, imaginary world.... but I just want all yalls to know that while in Alaska I may not have met the Alpacapillar but I had many other encounters that has caused me to grow as a person and as a consumer of bloody marys. 

We have nothing to fear but the destruction of the human race via alpacaflys. Better click in your imaginary seatbelts ladies and gentlemen. Because I have been to a place where dreams are crushed, and I have lived to blog my tales. 

Back Again

Hello Civizilation. It is I, the child lost to the Alaskan fish fields has returned.


I have returned with my hopes and dreams realigned, my body sleep starved, and knowing the first five words of Ice Ice Baby in Spanish.

Its good to be back in the first world, the real first world.


 I saw Fight Club in Alaska (Stop already with your patronizing, no I had not seen it yet, and yes it did change my life, and yeah its every body's favorite movie--not just yours) That whole alaskan experience was Tyler Durden-esque, now I realize that America is more a promised land than I ever knew, I feel taller, every bite of ice cream and real Chinese food tastes better, my education is more valuable and my parents house is a palace, and the internet connection is strong.


I miss the fish friends, but I have a life time of stories. and I need to go back to bed.  

Fish Factory

I feel torn between a first world problem and a third world success. 

I am leaving for Alaska. To work in the canneries. No cell phone service, no internet, no nothing. Just fish, 16 hour work days, and me. Life is going to be great. Maybe. 


See you in two months! 

Flossing Freak Out

Confession Time. I have fallen down on my oral regimen. I have failed myself, I have failed my dentist. I have failed my loyal blog readers. All four of you. (Russians COME BACK!)

Its time to up the oral game from courage to insanity wolf. And if you check him out, he's got some nice teethy fangs.

I will do better! I will brush longer, floss harder, and swish stronger. I will not let the stress of finals, graduation, my job ending, and moving make me fall off the flossing truck and keeping my teeth in tact in my head.

Stone Sober

Cleaning out farm barns with my siblings. We said we'd handle the cans and bottles.

The amount of beer cans we collected and returned make us look like an underage family of raging alcoholics in the Fred Meyer Parking lot. In this particular state we can get five cents per can for a grand profit of $32.50, which is like 647 cans of worth of busch and we still have half a truck load left to go. we sorta broke the can machines.

The family that returns sour smelling beer cans together will be oflactorily traumatized together.

Home Again

No standoff anymore...I have returned to my casa of origin. I am back visiting for a few days until The Great Alaskan Adventure. Being as I am a responsible adult child, I tried to throw my garbage away. Key word there is: tried.

Big Sister, Big Stick. I bossed my Younger Yet Taller Brother into doing his chores and when he didn't do the right garbage cans I pulled rank again. Success. Domination from the couch. Getting so much done and my siblings can't wait for me to leave. I still run this house.

Stuff and Things

I now live in a house and not an apartment!

Indications of this:
1. It took 14 man hours to move all my things.
2. I am probably one box/bag away from a hoarders episode
3. If there is a fire or an earthquake, I will probably die since I would not be able to escape my room.
4. If I had to be barricaded into my room as a result of the Walking Dead taking over the city, I would be  well-fed, entertained, stylish, and have access to enough items to fashion weapons out of in my sparest of spare time.

Then I look at all the items and for some reason I THINK I need it. Obviously there is a reason I have it. On the off chance I want it, its there. If I could only find it...

Hold the Gifts

Soooooo..... tiny confession.

Ultimate procrastination. Working on final papers after graduation. Like who does that? Apparently after five years of college all the strength one possesses is zapped and all you can do is will yourself to get out of bed in the morning to spend copious amounts of time on the internet and eat a completely processed food diet.

Soon after this paper, the light will return to my eyes and I will skip through life with an abundance of energy and goodwill to all people. even the mean ones who wish I was fat.

Situation on the Graduation

Halle-freaking-lujah. Best Present Ever.

Worst fear ever. You know you have those friends you keep around on facebook to moniter how fat they've gotten or how much they've messed up their life because they were mean to you that one time when they were having a bad day and you have never ever forgotten it and thus seek retribution? Yeah, no one does that--we just joke about it like its real.

BUT I AM NOT THAT PERSON FOR ANYONE. BECAUSE I DID NOT GET FAT. Feel free to stalk my impending success!

BAM

Hell week is almost over. 

Microsoft Spell Check. Gift of God to graduates and anyone else who doesn't have time to be persnickety.

One project down. 6 papers left to go.

This is Sparta.

Never Again

Spring Quarter Goal: Finishing everything ahead of time and being totally caught up on all my assignments, projects and portfolios. I will give up TV, browsing stupid websites, I will keep my car and my room clean.


Well....it didn't happen. Welcome to Hell Week 2012 where the procrastinators come to die and the anti-crastinators freak out anyway. 

Guess I better start a blog to chronicle my downward spiral. Oh wait, that's what this is. 

Mind? Collapsed

I'm not sure if I find this inspirational or appalling in its level of overlooked insight. 

Complete diet rehaul: Effective eventually. 

I finally got the memo about pints of ice cream needing to last longer than one sitting. Just how long are chocolate boxes supposed to last? Two days or three? I personally will even eat the chocolates I don't like. Unless its salt and pepper flavored. That is like engulfing your tongue into a catbox. so nasty. 

I really want to know how to make those chocolates last--mystery of the skinny peoples reveal thyself to me!! Give up your sweet perfection of your twiggy talent! My pancreas begs it of you. As well as my teeth.

S2-B2

So, in an effort to get to the museum in a faster fashion on a holiday weekend. I am taking someone with me.

Car pool lane win!

....Fail.

I figure if the Apocalypse happens while I'm on the road I will have enough reading material, clothing, and tea/granola bars to survive or start my own Mercantile.

Now I'm going to have to clean my ENTIRE car so the person doesn't think I'm trashy. My car is named shitty shitty bang bang (S2-B2), and I take artistic license.

West Coast

It took me 20 minutes on google and youtube to figure out that the song I heard in the bagel place was "West Coast" by Coconut Records. Out of the about 50 words of the song, I remembered: Suitcase

THATS RIGHT. Suitcase. and only suitcase. and I FOUND it.

BOW TO  MY SUPERIOR GOOGLY SKILLZZZZ

I AM the success kid, and I know it.

Testy Times

Had a test in class. Which I actually did reading for. and I consulted the study guide. For a second year senior? god status right there. 

I got a 'D' --the grade, not the multiple choice answer. Which isn't a big deal except the amount of times I have gotten a D is the same amount of times that someone has blown up the ocean.

 NEVER.

I guess some idiot will try at some point. I just was hoping it wasn't going to be me.

Although, Emily Jane: Ocean Exploder does have a certain ring to it.

People of Russia

Уважаемые люди России,

Он пришел к мое внимание, что вы читаете мой блог. Спасибо. Вы внесли мне ощущение, как будто я международные знаменитости в стране, которая охватывает несколько часовых поясов, хотя я, вероятно, меньше читателей, чем у вас есть часовых поясов.

Кроме того, водка – один мнение спиртов, я по-прежнему можно пить и за это я ценю вашу страну, хотя круг жирафы оказался ложным. Однако в последнее время уменьшается ваших читателей. Мне нужно набирать больше мужчин вашей страны для чтения и возможно даже комментарий на моем блоге. Если так, я обещаю написать пост в России когда-либо неделю... или два... или месяц.

Преданно и отчаянно твое.

Dead Dino

This nugget of wisdom would have been better left unsaid.

SHUT UP Philosoraptor!!! Do not give me cause to procrastinate about the next three weeks! This is not a good time to practice virtues that boarder on vices! No wonder dinosaurs are dead, they probably waited too long to get on the ark. Now look at them, fossilization station. Guess someone missed the boat.

Strike One

Unfortunately when it comes to my ceaseless cacophony of contentious quarreling about my continuous classes (Brilliant sentance, I even like the fact the quarreling fits because it has a k sound. Legendary Level 'litteration right there.) I am not exemplifying the canis lupis. More like the Whinis Dupus.

Papers I will write you like I was born! Screaming and covered in blood!!!

by my calculations I only have to write 40 pages until I am finished with all papers. Be about it! BE about it, and I whine off into the sunset...

ZAP Round II

Walking Dead Season 2. What a wild ride. I am freaking out. Like things are intense. It is deep and it is real. It is causing me anxiety.  

I can't take knowing what happens but I cant take not knowing! Season Three get here already!!!

Suspense on screen and suspense with the stopgap....I'm alliterating its so apprehensious!!

It's (literally) tearing out my heart when I'm with you. But when we are apart I feel it too.... 

Serious Problems of the Senior Variety

Realized that I only have three weeks of classes left. And that my internship/independent study class projects have not been completed.... Freakage. Freakage everwhere. It was time to get serious and go Visit The Professor. This included climbing four flights of stairs. if you know to what building I'm referring you know I am not exaggerating. I nearly suffocated from the lack of oxygen in the atmosphere.

After verbiage with the Professor, I have three 4-7 page papers. 

Thats what I thought. Just cut my total writing down by 9 pages. basically saved myself a dissertation. still have to write an encycolpedia longer than the history of the human race. 

Double fail. Triple Fail. faility fail fail weekend fail. 

over reaction fail. 

Man Up and Throw Down

I think this totally speaks for its self. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps of the hipster boots or pirate boots that you do not wear and keep going and finish the next two weeks or so help me I will strangle myself with my own honor cords while I calculate out the lowest possibly final grade I can get to not fail out. That possibly was the longest sentence I have ever written.

Senioritis: The firstiest of first world problems.

Day of Moms

Seriously. Mothers of the world. Get with the program, do you know how "get along with all your siblings" is unlikely and impossible (not to mention torturous)? You could have taken me for a fifty dollar gift certificate.

Now I will feel guilty when extracting the iron first of justice on any of my younger siblings.

and i'm being a whiney bag on your holiday. double fail.

True Life Situations

Nearly pitched a fit when someone tried to sit in my seat. Thankfully my roommate headed them off at the sitdown and prevented The War of Chairs in which I go all Godzilla and take back what is rightfully mine by extracting revenge on people much smaller than myself.

With all the upcoming changes in my life you thinking I'm going to let some random steal the one piece of furniture placement that I have control over? HA. Unfortunately I had to sit there for the entire 2 hours of class. Kinda wish I had let her take it and stormed out. Senioritis Fail.

Love Labor Lost

A few days ago I journey'd to my family's homestead to celebrate the anniversary of the birth of my youngest sibling a decade and a year ago. As I sat at the table I quizzed sister numbero two-o if she had found Her One True Love. She has not. Paying all the money for private school without a pay off? Cost benefit analysis says inferno nay to that.

My mother retorted about my lack of the same thing. I assured her that the next two years of grad school I would try twice as hard as previous. Meaning: Not At All. Ring By Spring, I intentionally thwart you!

Bwhahaha.

American Choppers

I hate this. with all the hate that a soul can possess. It leads me down a path of questioning that can give me those nightmares where all my teeth have fallen out.

1) If I decide to eat again do I really have to floss?
2) What if I just drink pop or juice, it has sugar...but will that get lodged between my teeth?
3)What if this is the one time that something gets stuck between my teeth and it is the intensification my tooth needs to go into full blown cavity status?
4) AM I GOING TO DIE? 

Impossible to win this one. Flossing Anxiety. Add that to the list of First World Problems I have and hate.   

A Wail of Wantingness

Dear Classes + Spring x (Senior year^2),

I HATE YOU AND I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

I have survived over 223 credit hours and I only have a MONTH left. NINE (9) Class days and I'm done. I will NEVER come back until Grad school. Stop taunting me with freedom and nice weather!!!

Motivation, do not leave me in my time of need, harken to my cries! Otherwise classes will be all Gandalf like and, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

do not let me fail.