ZAP Warnings

Oh Paranoid Parrot...

I'm not this bad. I promise. I may have had a bad spell sophomore year of college where I looked like a doomsday prepper or a food bank with all my canned goods but my fear of starving was realistic (to me). That said, does anyone every wonder how long someone could hole up in a costco? Because that is where I'd go if the zombies came. I just hope they also sell can openers otherwise you'd be up fecal matter fjord. I don't think costco sells guns either...walmart might be the way to go, although that place is its own type of apocalypse. Walmartians are a special type of crazy.

Grad School

Had my grad school interview today. Remembered to repaint my nails 20 minutes before I showed up looking like trash with chipped emo nail polish. Close call.

Interview went fairly well. I only had to call my mom once. I should hear by Tuesday if I am in.
Probably should go job hunting any way. Hunt down that job with the weaponry I've stockpiled for the apocalypse. Just kidding. Or not. Although, I doubt I could kill anything with plastic crossbow darts.

Not Fair

Babies have all the luck. I am stuck with these teeth in my head until I die, they die, or I get dentures. Each option seems...sucky. Better go floss them teeth.

Tribulation? Solved

This happened to me a few days ago. However, my juicer is powerful enough to do whole oranges. Rectified that situation.

New first world problem: juicing an orange with a peel gives it a zesty taste and that is just plain disgusting. Citric nasty in my mouth. Sometimes its hard to win.

Bike on

I have a magic closet. First I found the juicer in it. Then the bike trainer turned up. New toy, new toy. Granted, I may have mentioned to my roommate who wanted to excersize that in the Mary Poppins closet there was a bike trainer. After my accident, riding my bike has not had the same appeal. Nearly killing yourself on a park bench does that.

Now the trainer is set up, that bike is not going to crash into anything. I am safe in the comfort of my park bench free living room. It will be fun I said. I will not die I said.

Annie Grab Your Gun

So....After Walking Dead Season 2 wasn't available for the reasonable price of free, I switched to Jericho--A nuclear post-apocalyptic world in which the residents of a small town in Kansas learn to deal after 23 US cities are nuked off the map. I have gathered several things:
1) Nuclear Apocaylpse is going to suck 2) I like Zombie Appocalypse better--you don't have to worry about contaminated water tables. 3) I need to learn to spell Apocalypse.

According to Wikipedia (the fount of all accuracy and truth) There are 12 Apocalyptic causes. Its obviously coming in some form or another.

"Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken." --Luke 21:25

Looks like its biblical. Better brace yourselves.

Strange Things

Bet you never knew that you would one day be reading a blog about a juicer and my struggles to floss on a regular basis. I for one, never saw that coming. 

Never ever. 

ZAP

Well. Zombie Apocalypse Preparation (ZAP) has stalled. Walking Dead season 2, is only available on amazon and iTunes, for the exorbitant amount  of 22.95. Obviously, too much of a price to pay. So I'm going to have to put that on hold, and actually figure out my post graduation plans.

I am definitely going to need some more survival skills...  

Tasty House

Guess which individual is juicing all the pineapple fruit? This individual. I have to say, I take great enjoyment in juicing Sponge Robert Square Pantaloon's house.

Actually, I just like saying Sponge Robert Square Pantaloons.

Pantaloons. haha.

Zombies

Whoa whoa whao, hold on there.

Walking. Freaking. Dead? Not. Freaking. Quite. Season one had 6 episodes. Like who does that? Jip me out of at least 6 episodes. Even snotty USA network has 12 episode seasons.

What gives? I'm trying to prepare for the ZOMBIE OUTBREAK.

Not that Kind of Crown

No, the answer is Never. I went to the dentist yesterday. For two hours. Tooth Hurty does not even begin to describe the torture that is a crown replacement. Afterwards, the Hygienist told me my tooth had been tramatized and that in a few days it would feel better. I think I have been emotionally traumatized and will spend the rest of my life flossing like a first time mom obsessed about germs. When you can smell tooth smoke dust from your own mouth... it changes things.

Addy

It can seriously, seriously juice things. Its Fargo wood chipper strong. So I gave it a name that alludes to its power of biblical proportions. I think I creeped out my roommate. In the presents of skeptics, we'll call it Addy.

Horror of Horrors

Lately I've been you know, being healthy. Flossing. A lot. Okay, not a lot, just everyday. A lot implies obsessive. At first it was traumatic:

But I don't give up. These are my teeth we are talking about. Who cares if I have to bribe myself with TV and a gold star chart? These are the pearls that live in my mouth. This is importante! This freakin sucks.

Friends, Give me Thine Fruit.

I am in love with an appliance. You know, the juicer. Have I said I love it? I LOVE it. So much so, I went on a fruit buying binge with Dani so we could juice things. We bought everything remotely resembling a fruit. Strawberries, oranges, apples, mangos, pineapple, kiwi, grapes, plums...

We tried to juice a banana. but it ate the banana and didn't  give any juice back! bananas don't juice.
I think I had my monthly allotment of fruits in the span of an hour. So points for being healthy. I Think I spent my monthly allotment for groceries on fruit. So unpoints for buying out of season worth its weight in the most precious of precious metals...I'm going to need to become friends with anyone who owns a fruit tree, plant, bush, or farm and then take them fruits by friendliness or force. Must juice fruit!

Juice it

Last night may mark the night where my life when from bland to grand. It all started when I wanted a glass of orange juice. I remembered that somewhere in my apartment is my parents juicer that my brother decided I should have. I thought it would be some primitive rotate an orange on a spiky thing and beat it with a hammer. Nope.

Its name contains letters AND numbers which means it's a state of the art bazillion dollar juicer. Stainless steel and sexy. Can demolish anything, I know because I juiced all the apples and oranges I had in my house, including the cores and the peels. I am never eating again, I'm going to extract juice and then i'm going to drink it.

Nerd Alert

Since January I have been interested in gamer culture. Its kind of fascinating. Its like its own nerdy society. I even accidentally watched a documentary which one of my coworkers happened to star in. Which was informative and mind blowing. I was gifted with the 2011 GenCon program. Different World. Let me tell you. Then I started watching The Guild. All five seasons. In one week. It was anthropological research. Half the jokes? Over my head. However! Today I saw this:

YES! I understand! I got it. Sweet. One of the first steps in cultural competence is acquiring knowledge so that I can develop and maintain cross-cultural skills!

Oh no no no. My love of Joss Whedon, I went to see the Asian Arcade exhibit at the museum, my love of science and post apocalyptic fiction . This could be a distinct possibility. Could I be so nerdy that I don't know it?

Dentistry Dilema

My teeth are of the few things I worry about. Recently I went to the dentist. Actually my mom forced me into it. I think that after paying for dental work for two decades she did not want me to screw up the ROI.

Dentist came at me with a: "What, what, what are you doing?" to which I replied, "drinking coffee?" and then he asked if I put sugar in it. Well, 'Mocha' is my middle name. This would have never happened if flossing was my best friend. dangnation! The thing I hate most in all the world besides gaining weight and starving! Flossing.... (Don't be judge-y, you hate it too. When was the last time you flossed? Exactly.)

Sadly, this did not prevent me from having two cavities. So mochas and I are in a 6 month friend divorce and flossing is my new friend with healthy oral benefits.

FWP

I tried eating a frozen pot pie for breakfast this morning. I learned something very very interesting. It takes 48 minutes to cook a pot pie. Obviously, unless I wanted to chip my teeth on rock hard raw pot pie that was Not Going to Work.

I know it is time to go shopping when I open my freezer and food falls out, and I open my cupboards and although full, there is nothing to eat...even the emergency granola bars were gone. Somewhere there in my house there is nasty easter candy, but I'm not sure where it is....to the grocery store for discounted easter treats we go!

First World Easter Problems

TRUE LIFE STORY

starburst jelly beans.

Math they should teach you in school

There are a few things that I am recently obsessed with: my teeth, the amount of space I have or rather do not have in the freezer, and Easter Candy and the potential weight I will or will not gain from eating aforementioned Easter candy.

Anti-joke chicken was supposed to encourage me not to eat jelly beans for breakfast. It worked until I realized how much better steel cut oatmeal would be if I augmented it with some good old fashioned candy bars. Blast you pancreas! do not fail me in my life time of need!

Easter Goat

Tomorrow is Easter!
Tomorrow means EASTER BASKET!
Easter Basket means EASTER CANDY!
Easter Candy means CANDY... Reeses, robins eggs, Hershey bars, chocolate bunny, jelly beans, and M&Ms, cadbury eggs, other types of sub par candy you trade to your siblings for good candy.

Sadly, I am the Easter Goat. not a fluffy chick, or a cuddly bunny. an Easter goat. For a while being the easter goat didnt seem so bad. until startling consequences appeared on the horizon:

Well, there goes my plans for my life. Never considered that possibility, guess I'll be like Reepicheep from Narnia and row around until I get to Aslan's country or until I run out of rations and starve. Problem solved. 

Long live the rowing Easter Goat!

Blog All the Memes

I don't know about you, but I love memes. I also loved (notice i used the past tense) TV, but TV turns out not to be anything close to reality. Sadly.  Except Portlandia. That is all true. All of it. I went to Portland once. and my grandmother is from there. I have seen it in action, plus I am from Seattle so it is vaguely familiar, like the feeling you get when you see baguettes and know in your heart of hearts they are fancy breadsticks.

So after the debacle of expecting life to be like TV and it wasnt, I discovered memes. Ah sweet mystery of life at last I've found you! at last I know the secret of it all!! I developed a perhaps even unhealthy love of these nuggets of pixel-ated truth. They speak to me in force few things besides my mother, God, and the Bible are able to.

And thus, because I love to justify and over explain, in addition to my favorite activity of talking or writing. I have decided to devote my creative efforts to explain and rationalize My Life, In Memes.